Step #3: Force the world accept you!

Ok, you have come to terms that you are incapable of being a productive member of society and you don't desire a direction in life. That is why our kind reads comic books and plays roleplaying games, so we don't have the deal with the fact that we are really just mundane critters that can only communicate in sci-fi or fantasy references. Now, we must force the world to know that we are useless scumbags.

This step has a few rules (7 to be precise) but they are easy to follow. Actually, you might follow these rules naturally and without knowing they are rules.

1: Stop showering on the regular, shaving, or cease any act that could be considered hygienic (except for the dental). It's not like you're going to find a job and that girl, or boy, that you happen to like could care less that you are speechless whenever you're with them or that you get super sweaty. On the upside, the lack of hygiene will give you the appearance of 'fuck-it-all' and a few people might find it sexy, if you're lucky.

2: Break promises whenever its possible, this will cause family, friends, and co-workers to expect less of you. Now this rule isn't full proof, like don't skip on major promises (e.g. Grandmother's funeral, or feeding someone's animals, or assisting a disable person)

3: Feign mental illness. Find a shrink that can diagnose you with some sort of slacker disease. ADHD is one that was handed to me as a child, I was lucky to be handed a slacker card at such an young age. Other popular ones I have seen of late are bi polar, agoraphobia, religion, etc., or a mixture of all of the above.

4: If you haven't, start watching an unhealthy amount of television like: The complete 13 seasons of Buffy TVS and Angel; All 30 seasons of the six Star Trek series and don't forget the 11 movies, I'll forgive you if you skip Star Trek V; 9 seasons of The X-Files; 6 seasons of Lost; Babylon 5; Battlestar Galactica; Firefly; Doctor Who, new and old; The Lord of the Rings flicks; The 20+ seasons of The Simpsons; Theres got to be like 17 seasons of Stargate, but that is some repugnant shit; 36 seasons of SNL, sit through the crap years will prove your lifelessness.

Then after those shows you can start watching shows like The Venture Bros., Futurama, South Park, and adult swim.

5: Play the hell out of some sort of MMORPG. World Of Warcraft is a popular choice this time of the year. My suggestion is to power level game until you twink yourself a mad case of Carpal Tunnel. Now you have achieved reason to duck out of work or anything tedious.

6: Find a girlfriend or boyfriend on rule 5's MMORPG and make sure they live at least five hours away or even better, hope they live in a different country all together. This will make you look sad and pathetic and the benefit, people will expect even less from you. You'll look even sadder and more pathetic if the online relationship ends with you discovering your interest happens to be someone of the opposite gender.

7: Maintain your unfashion sense, clothes that are both out of style or a T-shirt with something nerdy on it. This will give people an idea of what they are to expect from you. Or even better, keep what ever your youthful alternative fashion alive like goth or hippy or emo or grunge, this will let people that you haven't moved on in life since your high schoolic glory days.

Those rules are easy enough, right? That's what I thought, now go out there and become a raving lunatic that annoys everyone they come in contact with and then the world will know that you are a slack-ass motherfucker that is desperate to do nothing.

Remember, excuses are keen!

Step Twoish and a third: The Ritual of Mornings.

So, if you accomplish step one and found yourself out of the warmth of the bed, consider yourself a dumb-ass because the next step is daunting, THE RITUAL OF MORNING. Might I add that the morning sacrifice is easier then what's about to happen. Out of bed what are your major concerns? Well, for me being a the mammoth whale that I am, and slack ass of the universe, food and facebook/gmail/cellphone and it's usually in that order. One has to keep up with his weight and peps.

If you happen to be a druggie slacker, your first concern might be getting high through the various means you find possible. I find that drugs screws with my ability to be a somewhat productive member of society, so I leave those things at the parties.

I say this while I snort a line of mystery substance number three off of my laptop and finishing my fourth beer for the day.

Seriously, I don't do drugs.

Bullshit!

No, really I don't.

Accept me!

So for food, I find boiled eggs to be the easiest thing in god's wet dream only seconded by the grill cheese! So I put a pot of water on the stove and dig out the eggs. After completing this, I make a few deposits a my nearest toilet and then through the magic of time the water in the pot that is on the stove is boiling. Yippie! Boiling water is something I find myself ecstatic about because it reminds me of the warmth of the bed. And come on, it's water actually dancing, I wasted some thirty dollars as child to watch a river dance and was disappointed.


Oh good lord, what have I done? I am rambling about boiling water... What am I doing with myself? I actually made that toilet deposit joke that I loathe. What the FUCK?

Anyway, I always sort of rinse the cold eggs from the refrigdator using cold water and then stick them into the pot of boiling water... YAY! dancing water scolding my finger tips!!!

I referred to my friends a peps. I don't know how to feel about this. Not a second blog thing to do I know, but we all have to compromises.

I set the timer for 6 mins, because my slow ass won't get for another four minutes to take the pot off the stove.

Gad DAMMIT! Why am I doing this? If you guys are actually reading this SHIT, god bless you. Bed would be so much better then dealing with this, why am I am up at 7 in the fucking morning?

Yay! Boiled eggs. While the eggs were boiling I was checking my various email accounts because you have to keep up with all backstabbing self-serving assholes you call friends, what a sec? That's me, oh ha ha!

To add creepy points into this, I was probably shit texting a 16 year old ginger girl that's two counties away. It's required that slackers has some sort of vice that makes them really sleasy, mine happens to be flirting with anyone with tits and I mean 'anyone' with tits.

Now's it time to enjoy your eggs with a good book in hand while you get to listen to your step father talk along with Dr. Phil. I sometimes can imagine the book being some sort of blunt weapon that I could beat myself senseless with.

I think I should tag this entry as internet pollution.